Now, don't make me think of a title!!

Heart's not in anything these days, think the soul has gone for a walk in the clouds, and hope these passing clouds will bring my soul back....just not interested in anything, anything. loads of weight to shed and get a dressing down verbal non-verbal almost every day, and I hate the people who love me and want to see the old me in 27W and red tabs and orange tabs...hate it cos if anyone wanted to see me in red tabs it'd be me, damn it, firstly. Am driven to consider surgery as an option cos exercise doesn't seem to be happening, at least not for me, cos there's one step where I am not able to follow the regimen - as in actually DOING the exercises, you see. Then there's driving - to match up to a lazy student I think the Gods have so chosen this entity who doesn't turn up whenever I am ready and vice versa...am standing outside waiting for the beautiful L board to land up - and no one turns up. Again somewhere, am constantly hoping that he doesn't turn up and I don't have to take the class while also furiuosly making my calc as to how to cram 11 classes in 8 days cos Freedom ends Aug 8th. Now am thinking I shouldn't be saying freedom ends - in a way my near found freedom begins Aug 9th when I can rule the roost by non-ruling and just let things be, and not worry about making anything right or getting anything productive done, just pulling the day off without acting on this greatly pressing urge to dial NIMHANS and get myself admitted. Should anyone happen to see N,please tell her that she is a darling, a real sweetheart, only please, if she can let me know that, it'd be real nice - real nice of her and more so, of you, for the enlightenment. They all say 'it's a passing phase', but looks like the phase will go on long after the pronoun vanishes:). Been thinking and really cramming all the time that I've been writing this, and I think there's one thing that I really don't mind doing - blowing up money shopping.. started this successfully a week back and savouring this sweet inclination to let the notes fly and the cards swipe....oh, lest junta start queuing up, am interested in shopping only for myself!!

Haiku Prose...

Plaguing question .. w`hat do I love doing the most..? Have certainly tried addressing this at different points in my life, and through several techniques.. but looks like am not yet done with the elimination bit!

Getting increasingly frustrated at work with monday morning blues worse than those I had when I was still in school...yet know for a fact that can never give up on work!

Trying my level best at performing better in every sphere of life.. at home and at work and ageing faster due to this relentless trying!!!

Still hoping against hopes that I can experience more magic moments in life and more importantly, become aware of them...

I know am dashed lucky in life and there are a few people around me who believe in me and always let me know it too, hope and really want to someday let them know that too.. as these are the people I keep hurting the most.

For all the independence and privacy I seek, I know and have experienced times when two is comfort and crying in weakness is an act of bravery...

I can go on with my haiku prose but finally life's all about how you did what you did and did I do anything that made a difference to lives.. surely do not want to just fade into the horizon.. will do something big...there's always this voice in me that keep saying am meant for higher things, which is why plaguing questions keep cropping up all the time!!

The Seventeen Year Old

The dog came into the house long back
A month old little thing he was
Just like a month old baby boy
He was fed, cleaned and given all the warmth
An adorable little one he was.

Time passed, the pup grew and soon
Was a fine healthy dog
He returned with gratitude
All that was given to him
He guarded the house, loved his master
And all of their family.

Time passes, the same dog bit its master too
When he tried to cajole his pet with kisses
Today, the dog is seventeen, can barely see
All his bones are jutting out
He moves with difficulty, and needs to be
Fed, cleaned and given all the warmth
By his dear master – a typical human life.

________________________________15/04/2001____________________________

Written after visiting a friend’s who did have a seventeen year old dog.

Flight

It sure was the best flight I had ever taken
Sped from continent to continent
Wish I had done this more often
Especially considering that it costs me nothing
It is my good fortune, just as yours and hers
To be able to take these flights
Food for thought served during the journey

I could take whomever I wanted to along with me
Or perhaps, make it alone too
By day, by night, by the hour – anytime
I decide the take-off and landing time
This flight has its turbulences, its highs and lows
But it is all in the journey
Flights of fantasy – the flight of the mind.

______________________________20/03/2001________________________________

Self

Myriad colours of beings, all marching on,
Scuttling like warring lizards
Things to do, people to meet, places to visit,
Acts to play, armies to please
War is peace.

Merry-making, shouting, building castles, making promises
Power breakfasts, power lunches, power dinners
While their skeletons fed on their inner secrets – the real ‘them’
To be naked is clothed.

Dead of night, they all sleep
Lying on cushy pillows, fed to grow with their secrets
While truth loiters, waiting to be woken up
Sleep is wakefulness.

Comes along their soul...mates, forever
There is war
There is nudity
There is awakening
The release of the skeleton
Splinters of the flames of truth scatter all over.

From the ashes of hypocrisy
Rises the phoenix of love
Rebirth. Rejuvenation. Eternal life.
__________________________________2000__________________________________

New World Order.. In the Now

Nandita always says ‘I want this .. in the now’. Yes, for a 3 year old, I suppose time is only now..and well, for a demands a 3 year old can make, mine tops the toppers.
She is constantly seeking something else than what currently is.
Eg., she will decide whether I should wear glasses or not, its very simple – she has bought the olden days (i.e, those days when I was a kid) Rs.20 plastic goggles which one got from the roadside .. but then, that was then, and this is now. Now, she has got it from the air-conditioned plush optical ‘showroom’ for only Rs.280 (with inflation, there’s the branding and the location which we shouldn’t forget in order to justify the price).
I always drift, always a problem. But then, thankfully, I am back..
It’s simple cos I can wear glasses when she wears them and I remove mine when she removes hers. And how does she decide when the glasses are on and when they are off – again, that’s a silly q cos all 3 year olds act on a logic called ‘whim’.

So she says, ‘take off your glasses, in the now’ In the Now is always said in English, am only translating the rest here.

One more such instance, ‘Siddharth should not wear the green pant’. Again the logic is unquestionable you see.

So, as a responsible adult and more so as the mother, I analyse and realize that what she is asking for is a new world order.

Constantly, constantly.. and if the world order doesn’t change, then, it’s again very simple. She starts crying, that’s the appetizer, and continues to the main course and the dessert.. she bawls like there is no now also!! However much you try to divert the topic (and like we’ve seen, am pretty good at digressing) she is back, bang on to the same Q, asking for the New World Order…

Am sure when she grows up and if she gets to read this, she will stoutly deny it through her own blog which probably she will start off in the next couple of years... talk of Gen X!!!

Again, the only point is sometimes I wish we had a New World Order.. if that had to be implemented, can anyone guess where I would begin from???

Flying high in the blue sky

Can not in the world of me understand why people love to crib and crib and crib and use all the nice swear words learnt since they stopped sucking their thumbs, but can't seem to get anything across when asked to walk the podium. Ok, agreed , if there are a 1000 spectators waiting for the show, I will get the goose bumps too for the first 2.5 seconds, but then, one needs to perform, right? Especially, when one has been so instrumental in freely disseminating info about the various goof-ups (euphemistic, here) that have been happening thanks to a wonderful and supportive and intelligent (oh, please let me stop here!!) higher up who has continually ensured that his team and also the branch at large gets to appreciate hell better by the day and even looks forward to moving there permanently.. no wait, am diggressing here. What I want to say is they that crib the most all the time are the ones that choose to stay mum, or no, they did speak .. ahem, gulp, ah ah, yes, true, rite, ya things were bad then, but sorted out now...you get the idea?
But then things will never get sorted out and life will continue to be the same and soon we shall be looking up at those birds that were once our clients flying up, and away and away...