31 december 2008

End of the year. There has to be a post to complete it, no?
Although 2008 seems to have gone in a flash, faster than 2007, which went faster than 2006, 2008 will be a year that cannot be forgotten. Ups and downs at home, at work definitely more of downs, make it like 9 to 1 down at work, got my driving licence but not yet mastered driving must say, lost Tuffy, trying my hand at new things, hoping won’t burn them so bad can’t be done right, got back in touch with a couple of friends.

At the end of 2009, want to say……………………….

Went on a long long drive to nowhere and me on the wheels all along
Din’t lose my cool as much with folks around
Felt good about the amount of time I spent with kids and K
Completed another course in French
Hit it off on the road to entrepreneurship
(Continued to) do more crazy things just for the heck of it
Read at least 5 great books and watched at least 50 good movies (man, am asking for too much aren’t I?)
Lost weight, burned the old clothes and got into those smart ones which aren't XL!!
Made someone’s life a bit better by just being me and being there…

TASK

Excited – low volume; apprehensive/anxious/shit scared – high volume
Time to get the feet in the water
All those meetings, those coffees, those teas and talks
Moving closer to the beginning
Fingers crossed, toes crossed
But need to move nevertherless

The Moments Theory

Quote of the Day - Corita Kent - "Life is a succession of moments, to live each one is to succeed."
Whoever she is, I must tell her that I have a similar theory that alone seems to fit well with my life, it’s called The Moments Theory. It’s all about the moments….

Moments where you are living it to the hilt
Moments which you would never want to relive
Moments of total exhilaration’
Moments where only thoughts of killing yourself or killing others loom large
Moments of childhood which can never be forgotten
Moments when you completely lose control of what you are saying although you very well know you would not never have meant that malice or pain
Moments spent with friends which the heart makes an album of
Moments of total idiocy and intoxication but priceless memories
Moments spent with someone who really matters for a long time to come
Moments with the kids, spent in awe of ‘childhood’
Moments of closeted fear where you do not want a finger pointed back at you saying ‘If only I wasn’t brought up this way!’
Moments spent with the only language can express myself in and the only place most comfortable for this – crying to the pillow
And increasingly, moments spent yearning for those moments when can cry in peace and so desperately want to cry but just cannot, cos those innocent eyes cannot bear to see me cry
Again moments spent pondering on this and pausing to think how damn lucky am I and how much I need them to make my life complete
Moments spent post 11pm with the kids tucked in, watching the movie, reading a book or writing
Moments spent doing totally useless analysis and psychoanalysis on my colleagues and then discussing this over coffee or a drink with others
Moments where I am furiously giving auto-suggestions that I will slim down and get into those red and orange tabs safely stashed in my wardrobe
Moments when I wonder why the best memories are always from the past and decide that if I want can make a better now and thus create good moments for the future

Moments fits in best cos I navigate from a series of events to another, from a series of thoughts, no, read that as dots of thoughts, one to another, and am sure they are making a wild pattern which I have no idea what it will be or what it is, and again, not that I care, to me, this moment has to be lived cos only this moment IS!!
I can always say, ‘It was one of those moments of... well, mostly madness’.. fits here again, cos, I hate giving explanations when asked questions like, ‘How could you ever talk to me like that?”, ‘How could you do something like that, don’t you think?’
Don’t I think?
One of those moments, that’s all!!

Why is google better than god today?

- Cos google has an answer to every question that you pose, and the answer is right there within seconds, and if you do not want to read words, voila, you have images too, take your pick
- Cos whenever you have the silliest of doubts, say, the most silly doubt on baby nappy rash or… (go ahead, just let your imagination run wild)and ask google about it, immediately you can see a million or at least 40000 other people would have had it at some point in time, and all of them have asked their FAQs – you derive a comfort that you are not the only silly one or stupid one, déjà vu in a nice sort of a way
- Cos whatever be the question, google gives you the choice of whether you want to see only one response or multiple ones, and even makes you feel happy for that instant, by letting you click on ‘I’m feeling lucky’ (it’s all about positive auto-suggestions)
- Cos google is housed in such a place from where you can go back, refresh, undo, delete, copy, paste and so whatever you ask for and receive, there’s a whole lot of flexibility we are talking about on what you can do with what you get. Can you ever do that in life although you are god?

OK, maybe the one thing left is to type ‘Why is Google better than god today’ and check out the response when am feeling lucky!!

The blog post that isn't here

The Kerala trip is safely recorded, a few days back. on pen and paper, no way am going to type those 5 pages should try scanning, maybe.. reminder post this is, to do that!:))

The big picture pin-ups

The point is not that I do not have the answers. It is that I have them, but that does not in the least help me having them cos there’s nothing I can do about it. Or choose to, this moment, cos technically anything is possible crap holds true always no?
Any problem you take for that matter.

1. Kid causing too much trouble and driving me nuts: See, she is a 3 and half year old kid, of course these tantrums will be there, more so in some kids (levels of blessedness here), she’s not going to be 3 and a half for ever, THIS TOO WILL PASS. The big picture, look at the big picture – all part of management. I know it, but still I tell you, it’s driving me nuts!! Cos, the moment I begin to pin this up on the wall poster and start looking at the big picture, I realize the picture has been drawn by someone who’s worse than me in drawing. You see the next pin-up of the words ‘con
call at 10pm’.
2. Con c all at 10pm: K has a conference call which he has to dial-in for which he does not have the no. which he is trying to get by frantically trying to call his boss whose cell is not answered – everyone is grappling with their own set of pin-ups is what you will realize when you see the big picture. But then, that picture is not all, right? The small picture in the corner shows you how the little one sleeping in the bed room might wake up any minute, how the elder one has already woken up (she decided to skip the noon nap and take it from 7pm-9pm instead today), and begins her tantrum, refer Point 1. I realize that this scenario will definitely repeat, and for the next hour, nothing K can do cos he’s in the call, where again he has no choice but to begin to accept the American culture of work which begins by being eveready to take on work at their time zone, which translates to moi dealing with it.. here again, the big picture, at least next 48 hrs my mom is around so will ease the burden to an extent, but then after that.. I have to tackle it alone after Thursday. At least last few days, I didn’t have to, thanks to my mom around, but knowing this still doesn’t alter anything as far as the days ahead go. And in the days ahead there is one thing I have to really really focus on which is to pass my driving test.
3. Driving test: Simple, there are 20 classes of 20 min each and then you take up the test.18 down, 2 more to go. Licence to go by 29 Nov. I have managed to drive the car but am not certain such that it will make me ace the test. So I smartly call up my driving school and ask them to give me the test date on nov 29th by when am thinking I can put Narain K to shame with my driving skills demonstration. But here I failed to see the big picture, which is disaster, cos as we know seeing it has not helped much, and then when you don’t, hahaha. The driving school instructor turns around and says better to take it up on 20th cos that’s the day they have assigned for the school and the next day would be well after nov29th, and that’s too late. I try to smart alec him and then use my charm, but then he says in that case pls pay 1000 bucks and leave your signature, the DL will be taken care of. Emphatic no, really I have no idea when the honest kid in me with all the moral science values will speak up and put the criminal me to shame. One of those moments happened. But then, today I think more than moral science it’s this whole ego thing and the pin-up on the wall. Let’s see what else is on the wall, and yes, can’t miss it, Ma’am, are you pregnant?
4. Ma’am, are you pregnant? : I must be demented or something if I am going through Point 1 and Point 2 and even considering production. Why can’t we be less direct, less honest and keep these seemingly embarrassing Qs – I would think it would be embarrassing (I can never get this sp right) to ask this to someone who isn’t! No one pauses to think of the effect it might have on the other person. And considering the number of people who have asked me this. I should be sweating it out in the gym at least 1.5 hrs a day, 5 days a week, but people, this is the big grand picture where all it takes is dedicating 1.5 hrs to yourself a day having enrolled in one of the best gyms. How difficult can it be?
5. How difficult can it be?: In the big picture, it never is, you know, you would think after all 1.5 hrs out of some 12-16 waking hours, come on, that much you can do for yourself, but then, easier said than done.
I know nothing is difficult if you put your mind to it, where there’s a will, blah blah, but what I say is where there’s a pin-up, where there’s a big picture always, you know all these answers, and then you want a freeze, the big picture we have been talking about is a moving one, you want them all to freeze, no let me tell you, I think again that everything happening is for a cause, though at the moment it seems like the cause is to make me dial N for Nimhans immediately or.. OR..

And this is where dream exits, am not calling them escapades, donno why, come into play.

Dream exit 1 : Take a rick to the airport, board the next flight that leaves, go to that place it takes you, come back same day, after a day, whatever.
Dream exit 2: Plunk myself on a white chair in a house painted white, the c hair on the balcony, all I see is green and I read or write, no, does not end here, that is the easy part, read or write without keeping that one ear / one eye open for what the kids are doing, have they fallen down, or without having to think whether I should be getting up after this chapter or right now and begin making their food etc.,
Dream exit 3 : Cushion up and watch the line of movies pending, continuously, see if I can still do 10 back to back like those college days. Of course, here again the rest of it holds true as given in dream exit 1 with the kids bit.:)
Dream exit 4: Unwind with a few, or at least one good friend, keep talking, drinking, intersperse this with dream exits 2 and 3, lose track of time, make a complete fool of myself, ya sure, more than normally demonstrated is what I mean But then seems like these days I hardly can relate to anyone else, so am not sure should go solo on dream exit 4 maybe
Dream exit 5: Have intelligent conversations, healthy arguments at work place… pls come to my office and you will know how ‘dream’ fits in so beautifully here, so corollary to Dream exit 5 is 5a, which would read ‘land in a job where I have fun’, could well be debated as a dream still, so 5b, be your own boss, at least then I get to choose those around me so that dream exit 5 can happen!

A tribute while alive

That’s it. The time is near. The end has begun since this morning when Tuffy has started passing blood in his urine, has been sleeping the whole ay through, no strength to even open his eyes or lift his head up. Srinath somehow managed to give him some Boost, bread and a banana in the evening. Seeing Srinath, Tuffy as was customary, wanted to stand up, and come to him, but he just stood, kind of did a swirl, and fell down. No strength, And that’s when it all came flashing.
7 years ago, I was so petrified of dogs (today, am scared) that I would have nothing to do with them. And so, though my neighbours proved to be interesting people and our relationship seemed to get better by the day, I would never step into that house, cos of Tuffy, this huge German Shepherd, real handsome guy, scampering around, scot-free. Until I received the ultimatum from S that from the next day onwards, ‘if I did not come into that house and start getting acquainted with Tuffy(he’s a sweetheart, you have to give this a shot) as he is as much a family member as any of any of us, then forget it, am not coming to yours either’. So that was that. And after I think easily a week or more, I just had to go one day.
And slowly, slowly, I became less petrified. Discovered that he wasn’t going to bite me and kill me after all, that anyone who’s a friend of their family, is very much his too! And slowly, we bonded. From standing close to a few yards to Tuffy, I began stroking his chin, patting him and then found that he used to get so excited and happy, wag his tail, and settle down, right there, so close to me so that we could feel each other’s warmth , and lift his chin up, clearly asking for more. And that’s when one fine day, I went over to S’s, only Tuffy and the servant were there – and I remember, I had had a particularly difficult day at work or some such thing, I was quite out of sorts, and Tuffy quietly came and sat next to me, and I began talking, just talking, taking him through the day’s events and it seemed at that instant that this guy who couldn’t say a word understood me the best. And maybe that’s why. And so it became a regular. I started going over mainly for Tuffy and my intimate private time, and he never abandoned me. He was always there. All he wanted in return was to be stroked and caroused.
If I even playfully tried to hit Priyu or Smitha, he would come running from nowhere to protect them. Dogs, they can really make you jealous, can’t they? Unflinching, steadfast loyalty, these words are best applicable to a relationship one has with a dog.
Slowly, over the last few months, his barks were rarely heard, his vision deteriorated, and so his hearing. Yet, he was always there, moving about the house, as faithfully as ever. He has seen and responded to my kids’ calling him their own way, wouldn’t dream of hurting N who when she was small was really onto him.. ah damn, am losing a friend, who’ll never know, eh.? It’s never death, only dying that’s terrible. Tuffy… can’t type anymore.. will always miss you…

Upon weighing them....

I know. I know. This is the perfectly wrong time to write, I should be getting ready to go to work. Man, I love my job, I love it so much that I am really considering calling those few people who are so starved of ‘fun, entertainment and a contagious’ place to work in, no correction, don’t we know that it’s not about the place, but about the people, so read place=people=boss.
What with S really sick, one of those illnesses that will go down in the history of his life, as in, our lives for us to keep recalling even when he’s donkey’s years old.. You know when you were a year and a half, you had this….and then re-live all those moments and try to say without saying that ‘I am telling you this cos you should know that one day I had stayed up nights, argued with all people around me, only to take care of you, ya, what a favour’. Last week, when I was walking around carrying S who was constantly crying I suddenly began questioning the prudence of having kids in your lives, one after another, having to put with extra-cooperative people at home, run the show in office with a mobile and a pc at home, I mean why? No, WHY?? One day I was a happy person going about doing my Agony Aunt no. and Talk Show, getting lost in book stalls and musty smells, eating out of the sleaziest dirtiest dhabas – ya of course, when I was happy I was cribbing too, nice cribs you know, normal ones that keep your sanity intact, the equivalent of ‘healthy stress’ if you want to call it. And lo! Here I am , and between then and now according to the world, ‘I took a call to grow up, be responsible’. Haha, One laughs for a joke, right?
At the same time, this morning, when N put her arms around me in bed, and gave me, in her half sleep, the most glorious smile ever, suddenly seemed like I had the answer to my WHY…THIS IS WHY!!
Desperately need a break from current work, I mean a permanent break to another workplace, but as always, I have too many conditions and clauses that need to be satisfied. Losing my patience here really with frustration levels peaking up.
I know this is incomplete, but I really need to go now, responsibility calls, that word could do with a tad more fun, you know what I mean, sometimes seems as gloomy as the clouds this morning.
Responsibility calls, cos I have to go to office on time, start making typo changes to a presentation, the slide with typos being the one referred to as the one with the orange background, no, it’s way too easy to locate, only 10 out of my 38 slides had that background, I told you, I am surrounded by ‘busy, responsible’ people who are darn good at their job!! See, it’s not all that bad come to think of it, cos in life you have been told to weigh your problems, so am weighing, the white lady with eyes closed and holding the balance comes to mind here.. some days in office I am doing the janitor’s job in the loo, every time I visit the place and let’s say, I drink quite a bit of water during the day, water’s a key ingredient in keeping my spirits up, given there’s no access to any other spirits. So upon weighing, don’t you think I should stop cribbing? Oh, last words before I sign off for now, any takers to swap places with me? You shall be rewarded and how!!


Background/orange background slide::::

Wear flats, not heels they say...

She has the drive, the ambition
She wants to climb up the ladders – economics, finance, social, personal
She’s doing the right things, and getting there too.
Am sure she will.

Folks in a small town, people with big hearts
Whose egos are constantly being deflated by the ‘relatives’ in big towns and taller ladders
Folks who care the world for their daughter
And let her know so too.

Time for the big M – Marriage.. AM : Arranged Marriage
Cos the relatives have banned her from falling in love
Butting their nose and all other parts in
Trying to get the daughter married off to someone from a ‘very nice family’.

When, oh, when will relatives realize
That people’s lives are their own and just let them be
That even middle class family women can be first class and premium
They have a mind of their own, and no, didn’t need the relatives sanction for this!

No harm being in middle class from society’s point of view
The danger is to not get into the middle class attitude
To adjust and keep adjusting, presenting the good middle class for you…
We know we want to wear the heels and look good in it
But settle for the flats instead

I don’t want her to do that.
Or before she puts on those flats
Just give it a moment’s thought – am I going to like myself in flats everyday?
And keep gazing longingly at the heels – keep wishing, telling myself am adjusting
Slipping away and letting the life I wanted slip away?
All because I didn’t want to hurt them relatives.
No. Don’t. That’s middle class attitude
Tell yourself, your life is yours alone and your decisions have to be yours too.
They should make you happy, make you wear those heels when you want to!!
Your relatives can’t fit into your shoes, you see – be they flats or heels!!!

Excerpts from Mother by Maxim Gorky (Diary June ’91)

“It’s a hard thing to bring a man into the world, but it’s even harder to teach him to be decent.”

“God is a flame, and he lives in the heart. It’s been said: ‘in the beginning was the Word and the Word was God.’ So the Word is the Spirit.”
“The Word is Reason.” Then God is in the heart and in the Reason – but not in the church. The church is God’s Tomb.”

“Grief’s a hide and we are inside. We’re used to such clothing. Nothing to be proud of. Not everybody has had blinders put on his eyes. Some people just close their eyes, that’s what! So, if we are stupid, nothing to do but grin and bear it!”

“Sometimes your heart is so full you can hardly bear it. It seems no matter where you go, everyone’s your comrade.
Then suddenly you come to your senses and glance around and everything is cold and dirty; everybody cross and tired…”

“It’s easier to take a beating from your own club than from someone else’s.”

“It only hurts to argue with a fellow when all the wounds in his heart are bleeding. Each of us has walked his thorny path, and each of us has groaned like you in this darkest hour.”

“People who joke the most are usually the ones who suffer the most.”

“People will see a lot of sorrow yet and a lot of blood is yet to be shed; but all of my suffering and all of my blood is little to pay for what I already hold in my breast and my brain. I am as rich as a star, with all its rays. I can bear anything, endure anything,
because I have a great joy which nothing and no one can can ever take away from me. And this joy is my strength.”

“What are you afraid of? Asked the mother. “Go ahead and kiss each other. Hug each other as tight as you can.”
“Shall we?” asked Pavel.
“Come on”, said the khokhol, getting up. They embraced strongly – two bodies and one spirit aflame with friendship. Tears flowed down the mother’s cheeks, but this time they were tears of happiness.
“Women love to cry”, she said shamefacedly as she wiped them away. Cry when they are happy, cry when they are sad.”

“We kill mosquitoes for sucking just a drop of our blood.”

“Sometimes you have to go against yourself if you want to keep going forward. You have to be able to give everything. Your whole heart. It’s easy to give your life for the cause. You have to give more – what’s dearer to you than your own life. And by giving this, you strengthen the truth you’re fighting for, the truth which is the dearest thing in the world to you.”

“Life’s hard. A pack of dogs is not a flock of sheep. And every dog barks his own way.”

“When you grow older – so many cares, so little strength, and no brains at all.”

“You mustn’t put your faith in people. That hurts, I know, but you must be afraid of them, and even hate them. A man as two sides of him, you’d like to love the whole of him, but how can you?”
You can’t look at everybody the same; you have to coldly pick and choose; this is my kind, this is not. Not very comforting, is it? But it’s true.”

“It seems to you you’re the nicest little pickle on earth, and everybody wants to take a bite out of you. But after a while you see that others have a bunk of soul no worse than yours in their breasts and that makes things easier. Then you feel ashamed of having climbed up in the belfry with your paltry little bell, too tiny to be heard in the general chiming. But you discover that your bell is a good addition to the chorus of bells, even if the big ones drown it out like a fly in the oil if you swing it alone.”

“How much of this loveliness there is everywhere – all unknown to us, flying past unseen. People rush about, knowing nothing – no time for it and no desire. How much joy we would have if we knew about the riches of the earth and how many wonderful things live on it. And, everything is for everybody, and each thing is for all, isn’t that so?”

“The pleasure of living entails the necessity of dying.”

“A life which thrills me with its amazing intricacy, its wealth of phenomena, and the growth of ideas which are as dear to me as my own heart. Perhaps we are too sparing of emotions. We live too much with our own thoughts, and that tends to stunt our personalities. We appraise instead of feeling. A little happiness doesn’t harm anyone. But no one is satisfied with a little. And when there’s a lot, it becomes cheap.”

Suddenly

Suddenly feels like mom IS getting older… and that seems unacceptable. Moms shouldn’t, right? They should be around, to keep doing most of the work which you would otherwise do everyday if she wasn’t here to do it... keep milling around the place, keep busy. It’s like you realize that so many years have passed and you have two kids sleeping here quietly in the bedroom that are yours, but still, mom can’t get old!!
Time the silent surveyor and mastermind seems to be winning as always…ah, tugs at your heart!!
Thud!
And N is coughing away. Her next round of cough and cold has begun since the holidays have begun too!! I can’t decide whether there’s cough when winter sets in in Bgle or there’s winter when cough sets in! And settles down happily and has no intention of leaving until the entire household, especially the little fellow gets his dues.. his next few rounds, ie.
Thud!

Something about these ….

Twilight by John Masefield

Twilight is its and the far woods are dim
And the rooks call and cry
By the valley there’s the lamps and the mist and a star over all
Twilight it is and I travel the road with my friend



Anyway – Anon

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered
Love them anyway
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives
Do good anyway
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies
Succeed anyway
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable
Be honest and frank anyway
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow
Do good anyway
The biggest people with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest people with the smallest minds
Think big anyway
People favour underdogs but only follow top dogs
Fight for some underdogs anyway
What you spent years building may be destroyed overnight
Build anyway
Give the world the best you have got and you’ll get kicked in the teeth
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway


Anne Campbell – Verse dedicated to daughter

You are the trip I did not take
You are the pearls I cannot buy
You are my blue Italian lake
You are my piece of foreign sky


From The Ecstasy – A Collection of Poems, written by S Narayan

Make me a flame

To light a lamp, build a fire
Cup a shield to fight the wind
Coax the wick, spread the oil
Do not go gentle, brave the storm.

Peace & Reunion

What we will miss is a mist
A fragrance wafting and gone,
No name, no label, no ripple.

Wipe the tears from your eyes
Smile that smile of understanding
Let us laugh and chide as of old
And recall our days of gold

It was a paradise for fools
Sometimes lost, sometimes regained
In leaving the times behind,
See the silver lining beyond



Excerpts from Richard Bach’s Illusions

Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible but the mark of a fake messiah.

***

The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What are you doing? Think about these once in a while and watch your answers change.

***

You’re always free to change your mind and choose a different future or a different past.

***
There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.

***
The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life.
***
A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such a speed.
It feels an impulsion… this is the place to go now. But the sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.

***
You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.

***
The original sin is to limit the ‘I’s. Don’t.

***
(My favourite): Your conscience is the measure of the honest of your selfishness. Listen to it carefully.
***
Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.

***
Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive, it isn’t.

***
I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life that will make me happy. Everybody else is free to do whatever they feel like doing for a living.

(Another fav): Responsible is able to respond, able to answer for the way we choose to live. There’s only one person we have to answer, of course, and that is ourselves.

You know it's Gen Next when...

...your 3 year old daughter opens her wardrobe and says she has no good pants to go out in!!
...the same three year old needs you to play her favourite rhymes, that will come on demand, only on YouTube!!
...the idea of an evening outing begins by asking 'are we going to Sigma Mall, or Fab Mall..'? Some Mall, it is!!
...top of mind recall for a Mouse is the one on your computer and not the real one!!
...when your 1.5 year old, while walking around (in a mall, where else), runs and points excitedly to the Windows(green, red, blue, yellow squares) icon on the wall of a shop that sells computer peripherals, and he's trying to say it's the same thing he's familiar with when the laptop is switched on!
...you find yourself dancing to their tunes more often than your parents did to yours!!

Waiting at Koshy's...

Hate waiting as a rule, but somehow waiting here is not bad at all. It’s the place where the kind of time that you don’t want to move, gets frozen and the kind of time that you like to fly away doing something you like does really fly away. Even the waiters in white all seem to be your friends, they are ready to help, be there, only if you call for them. Else, all leave you undisturbed.
I mean, there are so many tables and chairs around me, mostly all occupied. More getting vacant, getting filled, by bearded men, non-bearded men in kurtas, men with tousled hair, women in smart formals, the coolest of casuals, alone, accompanied.. all sorts. People of all sorts. It’s the kind of place where one gives a damn about you or what you say or what you do, cos each one is happily busy lost in their own world, where conversation ceases only cos its so loud, and so the place seems absolutely silent, the kind of silence filled noise one is comfortable with, at-home in.
People meet up here for a purpose, looks like, even if, no no, especially if the purpose is to just unwind and chill. It’s the kind of place where probably newspapers like those campaigning and championing the cause of youth, by revels, for the rebels, those who think they are making a difference to the way ideas are shaped and people’s thoughts turn, the kind of place where such folks meet and discuss, whose heads churn up these newspapers; storyboards for the most creative ads get ideated here seems like, the place where one needs to be by himself or herself, undisturbed, with a toast and a beer. Haven of comfort, everyone is comfortable with everyone else, and the lights, a mix of sodium vapour and those tube lights I think, make you feel the world’s not so bad a place after all, and there are nooks for escape, right in the heart of the city.
It’s the place where you can wait for a friend sipping away at the coffee, keep cleaning up your wallet which has been untouched by the human hand for the last few months, except to draw cash or card out, pile up so much of junk and lay it on the table, and just look up, and look around, the man in white is there, by your side.. you don’t feel one bit odd to tell him to please burn up the junk you are handing over to him.. Its service with a smile seems like all these guys got their training from Jeeves and should be definitely a member of the Ganymede Club, or have one of their own where the Book of Guests is maintained!

Nine years

Nine years. Cat’s lives. Wonder why it’s gotta be nine and no other no.
Sometimes seems like just yesterday, sometimes seems like an eon, actually.
Conditions, questions, fears, but above all the excitement.. one can never know right, in life, the way life would take us,
From one incident to another, from one memory to another, from one pitfall to another, From one silly moment to another, reshaping us, our ideas, our core beliefs…
How much these nine years have seen, some what we wanted to see, some what we would never want to visit again, and
In between those, wonderful packages of timelessness, those capsules I think we should take from time to time
To take us back to timelessness, to make us remember
What we tend to forget…

Copy Paste Series.. contd.

From an article in The Hindu dated 27 Dec 1992 - Father, Dear Father

Dear Papa,

This is in answer to your letter about my transgression. Yes, my first rank slipped to the second. An advice that I should think first before studying, before answering the papers. Yes, the operating word ‘think’ did make me muse and these are the results of those musings.
Father, we’ve never really been close and I can’t really say you’ve been my friend, philosopher and guide etc.,Yet, I would like you to be aware of my musings. They are very important to me. You are highly educated and you provide well for your family. But in your Departmental Store, do you apply Pythagoras Theorem or Newton’s Law of Gravity? For that matter, does your doctor friend? Or your lawyer brother?
Papa, my grandfather speaks of a carefree and beautiful childhood. Of days spent in plucking mangoes and guavas from their ‘jameen’, of picnics on the banks of the river where the men cooked mouth-watering food, of playing marbles and gilli danda. From his talk, it seems, studies were an ancillary subject; and living and experiencing, the major subject. Father, is he fibbing? Or, is it possible that the world turned topsy-turvy in just about 70 years?
Papa, my grandmother is semi-illiterate. Yet she is at peace with her pots and pans, her flowers and garden, her Bhagavad Gita and scriptures. My mother, highly qualified, is highly strung, tense and nervy. Do you think, literacy is a harbinger of restlessness, fear, frustration? Is it Adam and Eve eating of the Tree of Knowledge, all over again?
Oh Papa, last week my rose plant almost died. Some pests – I asked my Biology teacher what I should do to save it. And she was cross. She said to go ask the guy who keeps the gardening things. He’ll tell you. We learn about pesticides but we do not know to use them. Oh father, it matters not to me why the apple does not fall upwards, nor do I care what Archimedes did. What matters to me is that my rose plants remain healthy; when there’s a fuse in my house, I should know to do something about it; I should know to make a desk for myself from my carpenter’s tools. Instead, I learn about hypotenuse, relational square roots…
Papa, once I asked my grandmother how she got to be so wise. Do you know what she said? By living and experiencing. And she laughed as though I had asked something which was so obvious. Are we living, Papa? Or is life by-passing us? What I fear si that if I were to meet Newton face to face, I would fail to recognize him, so busy am I learning about him! You know, just like that boy Vinu, in the award-winning film. He prattles on – The Hibiscus is Red – a hundred times but in his book, he colours it yellow. Are we missing out on the essence of life? – Papa, that’s what happens in my craft and drawing class. My imagination wants to soar like a rocket to Jupiter and Mars. To traverse new worlds, new fields.
Anyway, Papa, do you know where I lost that quarter mark that brought about my fall? It was a fill-in-the-blanks.
I held that I was invited to tea and my teacher was adamant that he was invited for tea. A matter of grammar. And Papa, if he says George Bush is the President of India, it will have to be so. If he says the sun rises in the west, so be it; and if he says the earth is flat, it will be so, it will be, my Papa. At least on my papers. My first rank is at stake, you see. Still, my dearest Papa, I shall keep your advice in mind and strive not to lose any quarter marks.

As always,
Yours ever obedient son
Rahul.

PS: Your eyes will not see this anguished plea, my father. This was only to lighten my over-burdened heart. It is not all arteries and muscles. It feels too.


Raj Kinger

A Dear Diary Moment….

Finally.. found the two diaries I was searching for! Just where I had initially thought I had kept it, tucked away in the Dressing Table drawer, just where I had made a cursory search at least 5 times but did not find it! Somehow, yesterday, I knew as I opened the first draw and started looking through some letters stashed away along with photographs..and continued combing through the draw, that I would find the diaries.. it’s so true.. that when you aspire to do something, the universe helps you find the answers, or like they say, the best way to begin is to believe that you have already arrived. I recently started transferring written notes onto the system, so the timing could not have been better. So, there’s just so much to write, from the diary and off the diary. As I was leafing through some pages, at one time it seemed I have come a long way from the 15 year blues and yellows, through the 20s, and now the thirties, so much has changed yet nothing has. Also found the third diary I had totally forgotten about the grey one, when I was 8 or so, until 12 I guess, all about ‘Puzzles, riddles, Amazing facts, Did You Knows..’ .. only cos my neighbour and best friend, Sangeetha, who was at least 6 years older to me, had this as her hobby…all I knew was I was writing with my fountain pen, and I loved (still love, actually) writing with a fountain pen, and my handwriting is so neat (Raghu, I think, should do an analysis on this, the next and the next, to see how a personality change has occurred!) it’s unbelievable it’s mine.. but then, we know all about change, don’t we?

ICE CAPS AND THE SOUND OF MUSIC – AUSTRIA

Left 25 by 6.30 am – 7 of us – Ganesh, the ace driver, his wife Deepa, Saroj, Asha, their 2 ½ year old daughter Tanvi, Kaushik and I. Great drive, passed through Germany, entered Austria, landed in Innsbruck. by 10 pm., got food ordered from Hotel Rama, Ganesh’s favourite haunt since his first visit in Dec 2002 – great Indian food, with free unlimited rice + rotis. Can we Indians, especially the odd veggies ask for more after a long journey – very scenic but nevertheless, occupying-an-entire-day journey! We hogged and slept off our tiredness. Oh, an important thing, our apartment was called ‘Haus Sissi’ 5, Langer Graben, Rum. Rum is a small village 5 kms from Innsbruck. The place was marvelous. It was like a 4-star hotel, only, this was a home, and felt like one too, with an old landlady who spoke little English, but nevertheless was very kind and hospitable, you could feel the warmth there and she showed us around the house, separate bedrooms for the 3 families, and a kitchen which we could use.

The view from the window was breathtakingly brilliant – those views, which photographs can never do 100% justice to - snow-covered mountains, pines clothed with snow, all white, grey clouds –hmmm, it’s great to re-live this on paper too! This was going to be our home for 5 days, a very nice thought. Extend the thought – who wouldn’t want to come back home (look forward to, I mean) to such a place with the cosy sheets after a long day outdoors with temperatures ranging from –2 to –4 degrees Celsius. So that was X-Mas day, and after a really good sleep, we were up, (all at different times) to have coffee and breakfast (made at home). And as everyone discussed the day and the following days the time also kept moving and finally when we set out it was nearly 11, I think.

We headed to the place where all tourists head first – the VVV (read fey, fey, fey), in Austria, referred to as the big green ‘i’ for information. Lots of discussions, the minutes ticking away, and finally we were back in the car at the parking lot by 12.30pm, with the “Innsbruck Card’, a sort of discount card bought at 26E which enables one to visit several tourist attractions in Innsbruck free of charge. With the Innsbruck card in our pockets and hunger in our stomachs, we set out. Ganesh took us to the first important place, he said, in Innsbruck, which were to revisit at least once a day for the rest of our stay there – Hotel Rama.. Yes, up the hill, oh, no, I mean, up the slope, with the Alps around, as far as our eyes could stretch, the mountains seemed so close from here, the next minute, they are inaccessible, somewhere, their strength pushes you farther from where you stand and ultimately, all you can do, is stand and gape at it in awe. Why do the Alps make me digress? Back to practical foody matters, we ate that afternoon as if there hadn’t been food yesterday and neither would there be any tomorrow – it was hot, delicious food with free, no, the magic word is unlimited – rice and rotis. Somewhere, we realized that even the bottomless pit had managed to reach the depths, and so, off we went, slowly into the car, fought the good Divine Sleep (DS, as I always call it) that comes after a sumptuous meal, and reached Hungerberg – isn’t it an irony we reached this place with our stomachs full?

We parked the car, got out into the open, and then began indecision – we were all working our brains and our eyes and bingo, there were 20 opinions of what to do next, I mean, where to begin our sightseeing. We were brilliantly skiing (in fact, we were watching all along a lot of people skiing down the Alps, and this includes 4 year olds too) downhill, from one peak of indecision to another. We just couldn’t agree until we had the sense to glance at the watch which said 4pm – here, all agreed, it was late, soon it would be End of Day and we’d have wasted one day completely and there’s be nothing to account for, no feast for the eyes and no notes for the traveler. Then we agreed we’d see the museum cum old green-painted-tower which was near the Zentrum (it means a central place – mainly shopping etc.) and not very far from where we were too.

So off we went, but a little disappointing, and looking back, not surprising, that the museum was closed 25 and 26 December. So we looked at the Golden Tower, yes, all Gold, just before it was dusk, that was a wonderful sight and later, a band played there too, we listened to that also. In the meanwhile, we felt our day would not be complete if we didn’t got ANYWHERE – just anywhere, so we took the first tram we got and reached the last stop! But we were happy we did that at least, could take in more of Innsbruck, and so we feasted our greedy eyes of all the snow-covered peaks, promised ourselves we’d be on a few of them the next few days and headed back home. That evening, we made out a good plan for the next day as time was way too short to whimsically decide places of visit.

We set out, on Dec 27, after an early breakfast to Point 1 – BERGISEL. To quote, “the Bergisel ski jump, awarded with the Austrian State Prize for Architecture in 2002, designed by star architect, Zaha Hadid (for those of you with an inclination to know Who-did-it)…. Olympic fame was lit in 1964 and 1976... skiing from this point started as early as 1925.
Yes, so there we were, literally gaping with mouths wide open, for we could see a big long path downhill, your head would roll just imagining how someone could go down that path… as we moved up by elevator we could feel something in the insides of our stomachs, that’s how steep it is. Well, we saluted those skiers and joked that did we ever try that, in case we’d be alive, which is a remote possibility – we’d be in the roof-top or chimney of one of the houses down there! The view from the top was great, we were drinking more of the city, with cameras clicking away and video cameras trying desperately to get the best coverage 360 degrees. It really was cold, if I must mention, and the winds to add to it, so as soon as we saw the wonderfully shaped restaurant above, we headed for warmth, hot cappuccinos and cream cakes.

It was well after an hour that we set out to Point 2 which was PATSCHERKOFEL (2247m), to be read as ‘Pasherkofel’. Brilliant! It is true that the deepest of emotions or the strangest of experiences cannot be described adequately in words – it’s a different language, an entirely different world up the peak. Our excitement rose with every few metres of ascent by Cable Car, the green pine cones, rock solid though layered with the white of snow, standing testimony to several thousands of years, several X-mas’es, and more to come. It sure was a wonderful feeling to climb, to ascend and move so fast that within no time human beings and cars are no more than dots and streaks to the eye. We reached the peak the easy way, but wondered of those peaks in the Himalayas in India, 5 times higher probably than these where mountaineers make expeditions and seek to enter the Hall of Fame and Adventure.

Well, Patscherkofel it is, and, my!, it was all white, just a large expanse of white 360 degrees, and a dome shaped small restaurant not far (You ‘ve got to give it to them – they manage to put up a restaurant just about anywhere!).First things first, all of us played our heart’s content with the snow, we rolled in the snow, slided, threw snowballs at one another, and still, after an hour, could do it all over again! That’s a wonderful place up there and a more serene and calm view of down below. With the wind beating against your face, it’s a great moment to sip the Gluh-wine - a hot, red wine. After the wine, and more rolling and sliding, we saw the clouds darkening, the day was soon going to end – it never is enough fun, is it? We had a very eventful day and were pleased with all that we had seen – everything was as planned. Next point, should I say it again, Hotel Rama’s, where we gorged and hit the bed by 10pm.

Very soon, it was the beginning of another day. 28 December – this was to be the ‘Skiing Day’ – we were all determined to have fun the European way, be a part of the snow, ski, and lo, yet another experience. We were all looking forward to it. Soon it was all arranged. We were to have a ski-instructor, had our equipment on – special boots, the skis and the sticks. We were 5 of us and all around there were kids, fathers, mothers, fathers, with kids again, women and men skiing – everywhere you could see, either they were learning or just having fun. And here’s the fun WE had – our instructor decided that it would be best for us to start off on a Cliffhanger style – let me explain. She stood at the edge of what was the peak, so that you go straight down if you miss, and made us practice there – we had to ski and reach the edge of the cliff – oh, oh! The best part, is, she hadn’t taught us how to apply the brakes!!! We were surprised, but nevertheless began – of course, fear was supreme for all of us, it prevented us from learning and grasping. She however continued and insisted that was the place to practice. Wonder why, as, behind us, stretching for quite a distance, was snow which looked less scary and was quite flat! Wee, we fell more than we skied initially, and after nearly 2 hours (that was the allotted time) thanked the instructor who made us realize how precious life is, in the 2 hours than we’d probably given a thought to in the last few days. Point 3 – the name of the place is Nordpark, where we “ski instruction” happened.

Completely forgot, on the previous day, we’d been Toboganning it was good fun, down the snow.

Back to Nordpark, it was well over afternoon when we left the peak and our skiing and went up the cable car only to reach further high up – see more and more of the beauty of the mountains, the pine cones. The view from here was breathtaking, needless to say, and soon it was time to go back. We were glad to come into the warmth of the room after a freezing Minus10 celsius (with winds, you could say it seemed more like minus25!!), you couldn’t hold the Handycam straight, the winds were beating continuously against you, and forget it, you couldn’t even open your mouth to say that it felt cold. Wow! and Phew! That was Nordpark peak. We were back home after dinner at Dear Rama’s, of course, retired early as next day was Salzburg!

Yes! We did it, team work worked! This was 29/12/03, we’d decided we’d leave by 6.30 am, and true, we managed to do it. We were happy, it was a good start to the day, Ganesh drove real slow as there was much too much snow , it had snowed all night , it was all white around us, and slowly daylight crept in by 7.45-8am – it was beautiful – the mystery of a sunrise – it occurs everyday, yet hold you in awe every time you see it. And it’s not often one gets to appreciate this sunrise, we often take it for granted, as we do for most of God’s creation. The day dawned clear, sunny and the snow began to clear, it sure was a great start to the day. We were at Salzburg by 8.45 am, right in time when the Tour offices opened. Salzburg – the moment you hear the name, you connect it to The Sound of Music, the mountains where Maria sings, ‘The hills are alive’, the Abbey where she was and the Captain von Trapp’s villa. We saw all these, and learnt too that Captain von Trapp’s villa pictured in the movie by Warner Bros., was not shot at one place, but 3 different places – somewhere, all of us, seated in the bus on the Sound of Music tour, listening to the guide enlightening us, felt disillusioned when we learnt that fact. The 3 places are – the Gazebo, which is now housed in a garden, the lake which is there behind the house in the movie and the verandah and lastly, the rest of the house. The disillusionment didn’t end here. The lovely banquet hall, in reality was never there in that villa, but it was shot in the studio sets! Am sure all Sound of Music lovers like me who’d have seen the movie a countless times would’ve felt a pang to know this. Nevertheless, to cheer up myself and all of you - the Nonberg Abbey where our story (by the way, it’s a true story) takes place is still a functional Abbey, over the last 700 years. The Sound of Music was made from a book, which became a play, which later became a German movie, Warner Bros. was inspired by the movie and hence evolved the movie which we know with parts of the story modified for commercial viability. The guide told us that the German movie was indeed close to reality. In reality the von Trapp family singers were indeed popular all over Europe, however their escapade was not after the performance at the Austrian Folk Festival by foot, but by train a little later, with the Captain’s transfer some place else. Maria, sure, was the same vivacious woman who led the family along and von Trapp, right until the end never approved of the family singing in public, though he relented. He never did sing himself. Now three of the seven children are still alive. Well, that was the Sound of Music.

In the afternoon we had booked a tour to the Bavarian Alps and the Salt Mines. We had travelled for nearly an hour when the driver parked for a break and the guide told us that we had 10 minutes left to play with all the snow that was there. And after a small bend at the road, there it was! We were seeing such snow, knee deep, for the first time – the Bavarian Alps was really breathtaking! So we began, losing no time, made a lot of snowballs, threw them at each other, over ourselves, our faces and all folks around. Boy, was it fun! The minutes flew and we were back in the bus, headed to the Salt Mines. A little about its history. These mines date back about 200-250 years, somewhere in the 18th century, where, due to several reactions and erosions, over millions of years there was a lot of water which contained the components of salt. Miners then began extracting these from the rocks which held al the moisture, treated them through several processes and extracted huge quantities of brine, over the days, months and years, then packaged and used for domestic consumption, as well as exports. We were to see this extraction, and some of the tools initially used. We had to sport the miner’s costume – overalls and a thick leather belt. It was fun, it was exciting! A small train was to take us to the spot that was the beginning of our adventure in the coalmine. It was to go deep down, and in the tunnel, was a coach waiting, where each of us had to sit close, one behind the other, each holding the other tight, so that it was indeed a chain, and off the train went. In full speed, and after 5-10 minutes of tunneling, we were there. We could see that these rocks were moist and held all the erosions and millions of years of seismic activity. We saw the tools used then, and how the miners went deeper underground – they slided down a wooden slide one seated behind the other with legs spread. We did that too! That was great! And we were one level deeper. Here there was more machinery and a small visual presentation on the science of extraction. Strange, we never think twice of the salt we consume in small quantities every day, and here there were people, risking, sweating below, operating so many machines, following so many processes, all so that we say we consume ‘common salt’. Then we were back in the train, which brought us back to the top, soon back in our clothes and were headed to Salzburg. We were given as a souvenir a small box of salt mined there. We also had got the seeds of Edelweiss flower earlier in the day. And thus we returned to Salzburg, and then drove down to Innsbruck

The next day we had to leave. So soon 30 December. We visited the Swarovski crystal museum which was simply superb, shot it all on our camcorders as these had to be seen to be appreciated.

And then we drove back to Eindhoven, all of us happy with the journey, loaded with good memories, pictures and souvenirs of Innsbruck, promising the landlady and Haus Sissi that we would always stay with them and tell our friends to do so too if / when they visited Austria!!


A tourist’s impressions …………………………………………………………….2003

Until Maastricht - written 03/12/ 03

Now in Eindhoven since 15/11. Had been to Maastricht last weekend - Sunday. Has a history dating to 50 AD. Roman times, lot of old churches, one of which we visited, great architecture, lovely stain glass work. We lighted a candle - why? never know, they look so good, the candles and the fire, something about fire that is of the non-destructive kind, walked around, thought a little bit about Jesus and his crucifixion, saw more people lighting more candles, a few did light small wax diyas - did someone once say all religions follow certain very similar procedures - the flame, the lighting of the diya, an offering to the anchor and pillar - after al, where would people have the strength to go on with their lives smiling and working if they didn't believe there was something above us all to hold it all together, really. Faith is amazing!Let's move on.
To the 12th-13th century 'caves' - to really mean mines for quarrying limestone - the caves were of limestone, yellow. We had a great guide who spoke in English (My, were we lucky!!) and moreover, had an excellent sense of humour, and was very informative. While several monuments might have been constructed with te limestone quarried from these caves – Konneweg belt it was, they did accommodate citizens around the area for 10 days during WWII. And boy, the great this is during those 10 days, they did live a life of great security and comfort. It can be credited to the great degree of planning. There were huge ovens, bakeries and am certain, a lot of entertainment, reservoirs for water, the maze of mines and hence navigation made precise and simpler through routes, maps (one person took up the task of mapping these mines, he began the study in 1931 and was finished successfully in 1961), lot of artwork, amateur and professional charcoal exhibits. The most interesting part of these comforts, if we can call it that, is again a chapel! We are back where we began and trodded along until some time back. Faith.
The 3000 refugees who had their shelters here found place for their anchor too. In 1944 while 3000 came in to these caves, 3001 left. Yes, the child was born here and baptized in that very chapel. The boy, when he was 16-17, had come there along with his fiancée, and later his marriage took place in that chapel. As we all know, faith and love are so interlinked. The young man would have thought it fitting to celebrate/ make happen the second most important phase of life – after all those years. As we walked our way through, there were more and more charcoal exhibits, some as far back as 1575AD, advertising.
Ingenious is the human mind. After an hour, we had seen it and were out – we saw, of course, a part of it, the cave, originally was right through until Belgium! As we walked out and were then on our boat ride, I couldn’t but help think what I always thought, that human life will somehow find a way to survive and move up the food chain, somehow life will always move on and there’ll be laughter and food amidst all the cries and groans. Man alone has the ability to find happiness and move up and bring life to life. Life creates life, life brings life. There’ll be more day trips like this, longer trips, I’ll keep you updated – as one thing’s for sure – you never stop learning, and to keep travelling is the first step to keep learning!!

Time, Times, Tuffy....

Finally, finished watching The Kid. And I know I will still like Bruce Willis at 70, think a shade more too!. The guy is brilliant. Loved the movie too – Richard Bach, the future past and the present interlocking.
Read Marley & Me. These lines I kept rereading....
‘Despite everything, all the disappointments and unmet expectations, Marley had given us a gift, at once priceless and free. He taught us the art of unqualified love. How to give it, how to accept it. Where there is that, most of the other pieces fall into place.’
A dog’s just born with it, eh? Tuffy, oh Tuffy boy, you can’t see, can’t hear, arthritis is real bad, but am sure you understand…attachment is so crazy, and we’re so dumb not giving a damn to the Present and knowing that we are living is the best of time, the most wonderful of moments, cursing our lives now and 15 years down thinking, damn, those were wonderful moments 15 years back, everything seemed perfect. Things of real value end of day are not things and at all and great moments that make the best memories are the most commonplace insignificant things….I should get more videotapes of the kids done, N’s ‘Archana’ screams that can be heard down the road, the way S goes ‘ookkuuu’ for his ammamma and the way he cups his mouth forward when he does that, and the way he keeps pointing ‘ooon, ooon’ to anything he wants cos today he can only deal with vowels, and a few consonants like ‘m, p…k, tat’s it’.. soon he’ll start talking, and all this is gone…sometimes although the hours and minutes may seem to not pass at all, the months and years seem to fleet past.. I can’t have imagined way back sitting on the floor doing my Hindi handwriting in class 8, or getting onto that train that would take me away from Chennai to Bangalore that so soon, in a jiffy, I’ll be talking of getting videotapes for the kids done.. am wondering, what the 60 year old me would be doing or saying or thinking right now…considering Anthony Bourdain wouldn’t live so long, maybe Travel and Living is still up and running, will lap up the job!!!

Copy Paste Series 1 : On Love

Stuff written on pen and paper.. mostly from books read.. time to get them down to better storage...Series 1 is of course, On Love...

From Talking It Over by Julian Barnes:::::

Love etc., The proposition is simple. The world divides into two categories : those who believe that the purpose, the function, the bass pedal and the principal melody of life is love, and that everything else - everything else - is merely an etc., and those, those unhappy many, who believe primarily in the etc. of life, for whom love, however agreeable, is but a passing flurry of youth, the pattering prelude to nappy-duty, but not something as solid, steadfast and reliable, as say, home decoration. This is the only division between people that counts.

Love pleases more than marriage, in the same way as novels are more amusing than history.

Marriage comes after love as smoke comes after fire.


From Love in Black and White by Robert James Waller:::::

"Analysis destroys wholes. Some things, some magic things, are meant to stay whole. If you look at their pieces, they go away."

"The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but I'm glad I had them."

"...the inertia of protracted custom. All marriages, all relationships, are susceptible to that. Custom brings predictability and predictability carries its own comforts, she was aware of that, too."


From Honeymoon by Amy Jenkins::::

"... the trouble with feelings is that they're so damn convincing - you can't rationalize your way out of them - a bit like when you go a 3D movie and however much you tell yourself it's an illusion, you still duck when the flying saucer comes flying at you."

"To have you with me...that seems like the prize. And the times I imagined us having all those good times when the world around us ceased to exist because the whole world is right there in your eyes... We look up at the stars and the night is far too short for everything we might say to each other. We look down at the insignificant earth and imagine all the millions of people asleep in their beds and wonder how they can sleep when there is so muc to be awake for. I never want to sleep again. i never want to break this spell.
But even in all this it comes to me that I mustn't want you too much because it seems to me that if I want you too much you will go away. And even as i am inventing the ineluctable law of nature, i sense the bit of you that i can't see and that I will never know, hidden away by the glare, like the dark side of the moon. Will it be enough, the not-enoughness of it all? And so I cling to you a little too tight to prevent myself from falling. It's such a long way down."

To continue...

Leela ohh Leela…High-5!!

Must hand it over to the guys who had this layout planned and executed in such exquisite craftsmanship - am talking about the Leela Palace – THE Leela Palace. Surely, there can’t be another one like this. The place is a maze. Agreed, my road sense and sense of direction is far below average, but with all due credit to the little sense left in me, Leela Palace made me surpass myself! Already late for a meeting scheduled at 6pm, braving the rains and bad roads and even worse traffic, we reached the venue at 6.15pm.. and then began the search. No, we were very confident as we walked to the centre of the building, totally ignoring the signboard which said ‘Parking’ (we should have walked down that path where cars treaded, which we realized a little later) and found ourselves in a very very well lit lobby with shops all around us and music floating from far below. We were to go to the lounge on the 5th floor and pronto, we got into the elevator and lo!, we find that we could choose between Level A, Level B, Level C, Mezzanine, Lobby!! 5th floor, you said, sorry, we were in the wrong place we thought but what the heck, went up to the top floor just to check, I have no idea why, and then came down to where we set off from. Now, we start searching for someone who can throw light on the 5th floor – found a Gorkha gentleman who told us we had to be taking the way down ‘Parking’.. so off we went – and you should remember that it is still raining, certainly not what you want when you are to meet a Client who must already be thinking where our sense of time is, forget the road sense!!. And now, we found ourselves in the ‘Galleria’ and off we rushed in to the elevator, were very relieved to see ‘5’.. but then, what do we find in ‘5’ – The Huawei Technologies!!! Seriously, what was wrong with the world? With us? Then again, down we went, got out of the Galleria, called up dear Client who said we had to keep coming out of the door through galleria, which needless to say had to be dimly lit – it’s the 7-star effect, the greater the stars, the dimmer the lighting gets, you should observe. So then we straddled in and out of few dimly lit corridors and doors and found ourselves in front of another elevator, which sure had a ‘5’ and finally reached what resembled a lounge. Of course, from then on, it’s the same routine – 2 over-dressed young beavers started very anxiously enquiring what you might want today and before you could finish pronouncing the full name of the Client start asking you to walk right through (here, the lighting was better) and comfortably seat yourself, point towards your Client and say ‘is that the gentleman you’re looking for’.Phew! Leela ohh Leela!! Finally.. only 12-15 minutes was spent in locating ‘5’.

Oriental Spice

This is the place you don't go to when you want to have a fine dining experience// you don't feel fine when you are dining cos the food is nowhere close to Oriental spice, those who wait on you have a lot of problems to solve and crosses to shoulder, non-smoking zone is occupied by chain smokers, and worst, there's the round table - the revolving one so that the waiter can order you to place the plate there and soon!, within the next 30 seconds cos he sure has the look on his face that he is rushing to save those in greater trouble than you are... not the best of ways to end a day which otherwise was pretty good.. wake up happily post 8am with kids sleeping like babies until 8am, cruise around with no plan, and then sleep through the afternoon, the family that sleeps together is sure a lucky family, so what if this luck is happenstance once a year(!), then make a plan to go visit some relative which mom and pop are sane enough to cancel, or say defer for a better time, and finally decide to go buy vegetables from Hopcoms.. the key words being - walk, and all the four of us.I liked it, the whole trip, of going together, to get something so mundane done, should do this more often. Seeing Siddharth walk holding his dad's hand, not complaining one bit that he needed to be carried (the guy's a real sport, always takes what life throws at him, and handles it pretty well too), Nandita holding mine all along singing 'if all the raindrops were lemondrops and lollipops, oh what a rain that would be...', medley of thoughts - could not wait to see them grown up and in their teens while also wishing they would continue to hold the hand for a little more time. for just another day!
No big things in life, only the small ones.. pix captured by the heart on a real sultry evening... and am sure every family must be doing this.. no making any more a big deal of it!

Timeless Space

Sometimes
I want to cease to perform
To be there always, to do that all the time
To say the seemingly right words
To give strength, hope and courage.

Sometimes
I want to just sit by the window-sill and count the droplets of rain water that hang in there
To watch the clouds move without blinking an eyelid
To watch the kids play, in mutual admiration for each other
To close my eyes and get no thoughts or images.

Sometimes
I want the intimacy that loneliness alone can give me
To carry on the countless conversations between the head and the heart
To laugh so loudly in the silence that engulfs and not be heard
To speak all rot and not be questioned on its meaning.

Sometimes
I want to murder the dark hole in my soul
To let hatred die an instant death
To no longer derive strength from weakness or experience the weakness of strength
To stop solving the puzzle.

Ready to trade all these Sometimes for the Onetime
Where I cease, cease to perform – for intimacy, for murder, for laughter, for strength, for the game
Onetime
When I walk into the white with my arms open
Complete with loathe and love, to loathe and love
For Alltimes
Never know where loathe ends and love begins
The white blinds-
The stillness deafens-
And I walk away into the null and void. The whole.

THE FLIP SIDE !

It is a rainy evening.
“Wish this rain stops, the roads are muddy.”
The sun is back, glowing happily
“Ooph! You know this heat is unbearable.”

The Miss Universe results for 2000 are announced
“Wow! I at least wish I had a figure like that.”
The mother and child, all in 30kgs, in Ethiopia,
Wait in hope for food packets to arrive.

The weary hi-flying businessman
“I am tired of all this travel.”
The boy flying a kite from his terrace
“When will I fly on that plane?”

The tired software executive
“So much to do and so little time.”
The wayfarer muses
“Wish I had things to do to pass my time.”

We all need what we do not have.
Little realizing that there is another side to it.
The flip side. Those whose stories go untold.
Whose wishes remain so.


___________________________________2000_________________________________

ALL OVER AGAIN

There are some things – little things
A part of daily occurrence, very much commonplace
Which, it is a pleasure
To go all over again
To do all over again.

Fidget and locate a friend’s letters
Dated 1 year, 2 years or even seven years ago
Read them all over again
Laugh all over again, feel all over again
Live those moments all over again.

Clean the wardrobe and spot your brother’s green shirt
His favourite while riding the tricycle
Go over those days – all over again
Today he drives his four-wheeler
And swears by sober shades
But you have gone back – all over again.

The violin stands – a solid piece
Your mother made it come alive
The day you first touched the bow and held the violin
The anticipation, the impatience, the curiosity
Go over all of them – all over again
And all over again, time stands still.

______________________________ 16/04/2001___________________________

Things I want to do and want to do more often while alive - will be updated as and when

1. Learn to fly a kite.
2. Learn to churn the potter's wheel
3. Write so that it tears the heart out for anyone who reads it - at least once
4. Keep drinking goli soda more often
5. Drive through the Himalayas and environs
6. Write body copy for greeting cards which are only mush but yet make you want to read the whole mush before you put it back in its place
7. Walk in the rain more often
8. Wake up and do nothing but keep watching movies until I can't handle it any more
9. Forgive - this list is too long, so shorten it!!
10.Keep making trips on my own more often

Streaks

What PGW said is so so true that 'It takes all sorts to make the world'!! In a 1000sq.ft space there could be 15 heads milling about, each one a totally different animal. In my little head I enjoy doing character anlayses and trying to fit them into various slots inside and then basis ongoing behaviour, there's mobility from one slot to another, which however is rare, cos, there are some things that just define you and don't change with time. And as am always known to be humble and modesty is my middle name, I can say that am reasonable right in the slots I make in the first place. But one creature baffles me and am still trying, after say, 2 months maybe, to place this person somewhere, but am not able to. Well, there's the streaks of lightning you can't miss which seem to pierce and say something about 'I-am-not-your-next-door-neighbour-type', yet again, theres the resistant meek kid that believes that punishment is to be accepted, although the kid doesn't believe it has done anything wrong, and again, same time, the sympathy-seeker in the person makes those tears come by, and worst, using this tack also try to convey at the same time that 'I am handling this fine and all's well with the world'. This bugs me. Well, the world does get to all of us sometimes, many times. What bugs and stupifies at the same time is why and how and what makes this person behave the way she does, what's the whole idea, who's being answered questions here and why, why does it seem that the path of least resistance and portrayed graceful acceptance is the route to go with after a nasty heated one-on-one with a senior. Yes, here, we are about to enter the head of another animal.. who is the most predictable, non-imaginative, move-my-way-up with CYA, AL techniques which have been adopted by most mediocres as it's the easiest way to step on salaries and dirt which are above the 'mediocres', who believe that human beings who fall below the mediocre/mid-line cannot be trusted and not worth their salt, and yes, who are the slytherin snakes that work their way by trampling a lot of them that allow themselves to be trampled .. amazing as someone rightly pointed out the other day mediocrity always rises above and above!!!

No more 'no-posts'

Decided to get back, cos sometimes the only way things get a little clearer is when you talk to someone who can understand you and more important, not question you:) And life moves on with those highs and lows, has been for the last couple of weeks, and will continue to for the days to come.. for now, just sit back on the futon and wait to resume The Italian Job..
Pooch spoke to Anju this morning and again, telepathy worked, should wait and see how other things work... talking to Anju will just take one back years away, to those days spent in the Unity Building Kamat Hotel, with classes between those coffee breaks, in big groups, small groups, one-on-ones...those days when I learnt that 'ree' is just 'ree' Kannada, and not a nick name for the florist. Anju was saying she was just thinking this morning when her husband was off to Bgle that she should make a visit on her own, come by and visit the places and people that so mattered those two years; it's true, passing by 18th main 9th block, jayanagar can transport me back in a millisecond to those yesterdays and every time the heart does skip a beat and starts beating in your tummy... I don't know if it's just me, but places, and yes, fragrances, seem to tingle me more than people; and how Anju in her own way ended it saying 'just while was having those wonderful dreams of my bgle trip, the power tripped, and got me back to reality.. the kid needs to be picked up, the maid's here.. ah yes, not to worry Pooch, we will have time for all these dreams when the kids get older, until then, it's Just You Wait'!
And meantime am thinking how do I get paid for rambling.. get paid that i do not complain, or should I just rope in the team and do The Bangalore Job.. ah! damn! I don't think I even have that many friends to make one, forget the skills bit here for a second!!
And do I hear someone snoring... someone who shared the futon a while back!!:)

No more posts

closed for renovation/shop shut down/moving... take your pick...

Snail mail for S in SA

Looks like this is becoming a sunday thing - in fact more like catching up on the snail mail, considering S sitting in SA!!
Actually, have begun to wait for these moments when it's just me and the keyboard. But know what, I don't think am yet ready to 'write'- am more at the acquaintance phase of my relationship with this blog, needs a lot of going to open up further.
Well, Ginger's an awesome hotels chain I must vouch for, considering the kind of service I received in Mysore - it's just the way one likes a friend to be - get involved and show that you are around but not once make you feel your privacy or space is intruded upon!Needless to say, Ginger is here to stay...(Interruption 1 : 10 miles away N hears crackers and has given orders that in the now the crackers have to stop bursting.. ah, if only I had that kind of power!!!.. and my mom arrives to the rescue to distract her and she IS doing a pretty good job.. but just you wait, once she's done, my daughter will be back to repeating her earlier orders.. managers could learn a thing or two on focus from this 3 year old). Coming to think of it, the week that went was quite a long one...in terms of the advice (always have a doubt if it's spelt with s or c)but, have been getting huge trunk loads of it, I only want it all to stop, really, it's just reached saturation point looks like. From the minute I wake up (oh, woken up, i.e)it's a list of do's and dont's.. throw in a few 'why did you do this yday', 'this is not the right example you are setting'!! Driving's on, after I threw in an attitude number on the guy, he lands up promptly at 7.59 am for the 8 am class.. and he has classified me as the 'late pick-up' case and we are not talking of time here.. skills, you see, only few gifted people can actually misplace gears after 14 days of classes and worse, still, not realise it too!!
We had THE lavish 21k (oh, oh, I should add for 17 people in the office, tax included)party finally on saturday - am just calling it a party cos I can't call it a Halloween or something.. plan to watch the dark knight followed by bowling and a dinner.. for the 1 pm show on the one hand we have colleagues who are as excited as excited can be while there are the others (majority is this end) who leave their houses sharp the very exact minute the movie starts...and only about a 100 calls to coordinate with each other... learnt a good lesson that day! Bowling didn't happen cos between the movie getting over and reaching Church Street, the 13 people team (no I din get the numbers wrong)was reduced to 10, smart people had smart plans and they left while the rest found out that there was a long wait for the bowling and so hit Ruby Tuesday.. it was probably the only best time I had with a friend , lost in our own worlds with our drinks and the starters, then landed for dinner.. nothing interesting to report here... finally was picked up by home clan and reached home...am glad the event is done with!!
Could not do much shopping this week though, but not to worry, the next week looks promising once the moolah is in which will be once am done with timesheets, that is...
Got my handwriting analysed for the heck of it and am really thinking I should change it.. revealed a shade too much in 15 minutes and frankly, wouldn't want every Tom, Dick, Harry and Raghu to go around learning this.. could be the beginning of the end for qualitative research! Thankfully, it was off the mark at least in a couple of places - long live analysis!
Oh and workwise, made the worst presentation ever... and as pointed out rightly, did a Jerry Maguire round after that.. have been lucky though to get a second window next week with the tops, better not screw it up!
Hey, this really has been a long week, hasn't it?And if people still watch English movies, Lucky Number Slevin was good, and did I tell you about Vantage Point? The next movie is Circle, which looks really dark to me - Iranian, nevertheless will watch it, after all I have been planning to for the last two weeks - this has nowadays become my average planning time nowadays (nobody can tell me I don't plan my life).. and last, finished the 'che' finally.. second half of the book is a complete contrast to the first, should watch the movie too.. but the Inca and Cuzco apart, would never want to travel so hunger stricken.. plan and save monies and do a nice grand one.. on a hungry stomach there's only so much noble thoughts and fine art one can see and appreciate.. am sure if Ernesto and Alberto had the money power, the motorcycle diaries would have been a much fatter book.. ok signing off, really hungry now...

Now, don't make me think of a title!!

Heart's not in anything these days, think the soul has gone for a walk in the clouds, and hope these passing clouds will bring my soul back....just not interested in anything, anything. loads of weight to shed and get a dressing down verbal non-verbal almost every day, and I hate the people who love me and want to see the old me in 27W and red tabs and orange tabs...hate it cos if anyone wanted to see me in red tabs it'd be me, damn it, firstly. Am driven to consider surgery as an option cos exercise doesn't seem to be happening, at least not for me, cos there's one step where I am not able to follow the regimen - as in actually DOING the exercises, you see. Then there's driving - to match up to a lazy student I think the Gods have so chosen this entity who doesn't turn up whenever I am ready and vice versa...am standing outside waiting for the beautiful L board to land up - and no one turns up. Again somewhere, am constantly hoping that he doesn't turn up and I don't have to take the class while also furiuosly making my calc as to how to cram 11 classes in 8 days cos Freedom ends Aug 8th. Now am thinking I shouldn't be saying freedom ends - in a way my near found freedom begins Aug 9th when I can rule the roost by non-ruling and just let things be, and not worry about making anything right or getting anything productive done, just pulling the day off without acting on this greatly pressing urge to dial NIMHANS and get myself admitted. Should anyone happen to see N,please tell her that she is a darling, a real sweetheart, only please, if she can let me know that, it'd be real nice - real nice of her and more so, of you, for the enlightenment. They all say 'it's a passing phase', but looks like the phase will go on long after the pronoun vanishes:). Been thinking and really cramming all the time that I've been writing this, and I think there's one thing that I really don't mind doing - blowing up money shopping.. started this successfully a week back and savouring this sweet inclination to let the notes fly and the cards swipe....oh, lest junta start queuing up, am interested in shopping only for myself!!

Haiku Prose...

Plaguing question .. w`hat do I love doing the most..? Have certainly tried addressing this at different points in my life, and through several techniques.. but looks like am not yet done with the elimination bit!

Getting increasingly frustrated at work with monday morning blues worse than those I had when I was still in school...yet know for a fact that can never give up on work!

Trying my level best at performing better in every sphere of life.. at home and at work and ageing faster due to this relentless trying!!!

Still hoping against hopes that I can experience more magic moments in life and more importantly, become aware of them...

I know am dashed lucky in life and there are a few people around me who believe in me and always let me know it too, hope and really want to someday let them know that too.. as these are the people I keep hurting the most.

For all the independence and privacy I seek, I know and have experienced times when two is comfort and crying in weakness is an act of bravery...

I can go on with my haiku prose but finally life's all about how you did what you did and did I do anything that made a difference to lives.. surely do not want to just fade into the horizon.. will do something big...there's always this voice in me that keep saying am meant for higher things, which is why plaguing questions keep cropping up all the time!!

The Seventeen Year Old

The dog came into the house long back
A month old little thing he was
Just like a month old baby boy
He was fed, cleaned and given all the warmth
An adorable little one he was.

Time passed, the pup grew and soon
Was a fine healthy dog
He returned with gratitude
All that was given to him
He guarded the house, loved his master
And all of their family.

Time passes, the same dog bit its master too
When he tried to cajole his pet with kisses
Today, the dog is seventeen, can barely see
All his bones are jutting out
He moves with difficulty, and needs to be
Fed, cleaned and given all the warmth
By his dear master – a typical human life.

________________________________15/04/2001____________________________

Written after visiting a friend’s who did have a seventeen year old dog.

Flight

It sure was the best flight I had ever taken
Sped from continent to continent
Wish I had done this more often
Especially considering that it costs me nothing
It is my good fortune, just as yours and hers
To be able to take these flights
Food for thought served during the journey

I could take whomever I wanted to along with me
Or perhaps, make it alone too
By day, by night, by the hour – anytime
I decide the take-off and landing time
This flight has its turbulences, its highs and lows
But it is all in the journey
Flights of fantasy – the flight of the mind.

______________________________20/03/2001________________________________

Self

Myriad colours of beings, all marching on,
Scuttling like warring lizards
Things to do, people to meet, places to visit,
Acts to play, armies to please
War is peace.

Merry-making, shouting, building castles, making promises
Power breakfasts, power lunches, power dinners
While their skeletons fed on their inner secrets – the real ‘them’
To be naked is clothed.

Dead of night, they all sleep
Lying on cushy pillows, fed to grow with their secrets
While truth loiters, waiting to be woken up
Sleep is wakefulness.

Comes along their soul...mates, forever
There is war
There is nudity
There is awakening
The release of the skeleton
Splinters of the flames of truth scatter all over.

From the ashes of hypocrisy
Rises the phoenix of love
Rebirth. Rejuvenation. Eternal life.
__________________________________2000__________________________________

New World Order.. In the Now

Nandita always says ‘I want this .. in the now’. Yes, for a 3 year old, I suppose time is only now..and well, for a demands a 3 year old can make, mine tops the toppers.
She is constantly seeking something else than what currently is.
Eg., she will decide whether I should wear glasses or not, its very simple – she has bought the olden days (i.e, those days when I was a kid) Rs.20 plastic goggles which one got from the roadside .. but then, that was then, and this is now. Now, she has got it from the air-conditioned plush optical ‘showroom’ for only Rs.280 (with inflation, there’s the branding and the location which we shouldn’t forget in order to justify the price).
I always drift, always a problem. But then, thankfully, I am back..
It’s simple cos I can wear glasses when she wears them and I remove mine when she removes hers. And how does she decide when the glasses are on and when they are off – again, that’s a silly q cos all 3 year olds act on a logic called ‘whim’.

So she says, ‘take off your glasses, in the now’ In the Now is always said in English, am only translating the rest here.

One more such instance, ‘Siddharth should not wear the green pant’. Again the logic is unquestionable you see.

So, as a responsible adult and more so as the mother, I analyse and realize that what she is asking for is a new world order.

Constantly, constantly.. and if the world order doesn’t change, then, it’s again very simple. She starts crying, that’s the appetizer, and continues to the main course and the dessert.. she bawls like there is no now also!! However much you try to divert the topic (and like we’ve seen, am pretty good at digressing) she is back, bang on to the same Q, asking for the New World Order…

Am sure when she grows up and if she gets to read this, she will stoutly deny it through her own blog which probably she will start off in the next couple of years... talk of Gen X!!!

Again, the only point is sometimes I wish we had a New World Order.. if that had to be implemented, can anyone guess where I would begin from???

Flying high in the blue sky

Can not in the world of me understand why people love to crib and crib and crib and use all the nice swear words learnt since they stopped sucking their thumbs, but can't seem to get anything across when asked to walk the podium. Ok, agreed , if there are a 1000 spectators waiting for the show, I will get the goose bumps too for the first 2.5 seconds, but then, one needs to perform, right? Especially, when one has been so instrumental in freely disseminating info about the various goof-ups (euphemistic, here) that have been happening thanks to a wonderful and supportive and intelligent (oh, please let me stop here!!) higher up who has continually ensured that his team and also the branch at large gets to appreciate hell better by the day and even looks forward to moving there permanently.. no wait, am diggressing here. What I want to say is they that crib the most all the time are the ones that choose to stay mum, or no, they did speak .. ahem, gulp, ah ah, yes, true, rite, ya things were bad then, but sorted out now...you get the idea?
But then things will never get sorted out and life will continue to be the same and soon we shall be looking up at those birds that were once our clients flying up, and away and away...

KaPOot!!!

Really, not everybody can hope to get a friend like this who’s ready to give you shit and also take a lot of shit from you.. whom you can call whenever and wherever, and just pick up the thread that you let drift years ago and now so strongly want to latch on to, and at the same time make up for all the lost years that you let it drift..
Yes, now that people have heard me and are smiling and happy and getting sentimental blah blah, let me declare that what happened today will definitely go down in ..(well, not history, history is all about the dead past burying its dead)that special place in my head which is so reserved for gross injustice and soul-murders.. be they 700 years old or even a millennia years old!!
Italian Short Stories is so precious that no mortal can be trusted with a copy of the book you must understand…no see, what if people actually get to know what little love-story happened 700 years ago in Italy, they might get so engrossed in that love that they would start eating the pages off or some such thing, or say a love tragedy occurs, might end up burning the book.. these are very probable possibilities...but let’s not lose heart, what are friends for, cos they have been kind enough to come down the pedestal and promise a photocopy of the book the next time we meet.. ah, there’s the catch, considering one can take a flight to that god-damned place in SA every (need help from the so-quoted ‘most friendly’ Airlines ever in operation).. hrs!!
Really, the KPO list is KaPOot! Not that it ever progressed anywhere, but at least was not abandoned.. see, after all, I value friendship.. oh, you must have forgotten about it, please go back to para 1.

No random Qs...?

Just finished Vernon God Little... powerful writing and superb narration. Every time I read a book that moves, disturbs, reveals, understands and relates to what I’ve been through one point or the other, there’s this voice in me that keeps asserting writing is what I want to do and I better get to it asap. But then, what do I write about?
The bestsellers in my head that I need to take to the grave? Uh-huh, then can’t write about it, eh?
About the daily grind (which has now been reduced to twice-a-monthly grind or so) with the Law of the house... there you see, I have loads and loads to unload, but the whole issue is so mundane and crass and boring that it’s an effort to go through it live - once, forget the relaying bit!!
The dance drama that goes on every morning in chunks – 7am-8am, 8.30-10am, where decibel levels reach unknown heights and the lull after the show?
The feeling of having lived half your day by 10am and ready to grab a pillow by the time you reach office and switch on the computer?
The best-ever-made coffees, the elixir quotient (EQ) that only one person has the recipe to?
The pointless chats about joblessness and idle-mind’s-a-devil’s workshop?
Those getaways and slipaways to the terrace for the 10 minute breezers with the EQ and a friend?
The cursing and waiting for the three-legged vehicle to take you home?
The comforting thought that no matter what, no matter how lousy the day has been, someone’s going to be really waiting to see me.. Dolce and Gollaana?
Waiting for the kids to crash to begin our day and get the few minutes to connect, really connect?
About when I hit the pillow and wonder when I will stop wondering and start applying what I have been chanting all along about not thinking too much and just living those moments?
About whether I ever will write someday???